"Being ashamed of our bodies is a waste of time" - Lala Love, Wardrobe Stylist, Self-Love Influencer and Model

"I’m the boss. I walk around my house naked because it’s freeing; I’ve fallen in love with body parts that I never noticed before. It’s incredible that even though I have a chronic illness, I’m still waking up every day and killing it."

I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in early 2016, but I’d had symptoms for a year prior. It’s a hidden disability, a chronic pain disease that causes a burning discomfort in your joints. My symptoms include swelling in my feet and knees, tenderness in my arms, headaches, fatigue, slow speech and ‘fibro fog’ (memory loss).

It sucked, I felt so frustrated with my body. All of a sudden, I went from being a bubbly, active person, to waking up to pain and depression every day. The NHS let me down massively by taking over a year to diagnose me, after months of me taking trips to the doctor in tears and distress. Overall, I was devastated, and I began to feel suicidal. I didn't see the point in living, because I wasn't ‘living’ anymore. I didn't leave my house or my bed for weeks at a time, and I was tired of crying and always being in a huge amount of pain.

Even now, the fibromyalgia still gives me great discomfort, and it prevents me from working regular 9-5 jobs, which I previously did. For years friends had suggested that I should write a blog or start a YouTube channel, but I didn't think anyone would be interested in watching me. I started making videos as I was cooped up indoors a lot, and it has been a game changer, enabling me to still do a creative job that I enjoy.

My body confidence sky rocketed. I've always been confident about who I am and how to style myself, but as social media started to promote body positivity it gave me the boost I needed to take it a step further. Now I show more skin and refuse to hide my back rolls. Being ashamed of our bodies is a waste of time, because we aren't here for that long. I’d rather spend my life enjoying what I have.

Earlier this year, I was contacted via Instagram by one of the producers of Naked Beach, a new TV series commissioned by Channel 4. I auditioned, and I got the job. Soon after, another member of the team approached me whilst I was out shopping. I explained that I'd already joined the cast - I guess it was meant to be!

Naked Beach is the first of its kind, the only series ever broadcast on British TV that encourages people to love themselves despite their insecurities or ‘flaws’. 8 hosts dedicate their time to encourage guests to overcome their insecurities and body issues. The hosts were made up of models, bloggers, and social media influencers – I was joined by Felicity Hayward, Charlotte Hole, Ben Whit and others. The guests take part in the daily activities like dancing, body sculpting, and ‘naked homework’, and their thoughts are captured the whole way through the process. There were some big transformations, for example seeing one of the guests go from loathing his bum to being happy and comfortable enough to show it off to the world in all its naked glory. Each journey was emotional for all of our guests in unique ways, and I definitely shed a few tears.

Naked Beach has been described as the antidote to Love Island. We desperately needed representation of normal bodies on the big screen, to show the audience that being fat, short or skinny is nothing to be ashamed of. I don’t think much of Love Island; it’s producers deliberately avoid casting fat people because they ‘want contestants to be attracted to one another’, implying that no-one will fall in love with fat people, which is a disgusting take on it.

I also take issue with their intentional lack of diversity and how they tokenise the black Islanders, then single them out. I don't support the program, and the producers have a lot of unlearning to do. Thin able-bodies are idolised and flaunted daily all over the world, and if you don't meet that standard then you are ridiculed. The public really need TV and the media to do better.

It’s not just TV; fat bodies are still seen as gross and unattractive, so most platforms avoid reposting us or even working with us. When they do, we're hidden right at the back of the group photo, or our photo isn't included at all (which is something I've experienced recently, with a very popular magazine), especially if you're fat and black. White fat people still have white privilege, so they’re still generally prioritised over fat black bodies and other people of colour. Things are gradually changing, though. Seeing women like Lizzo and Tess Holliday on magazine covers is amazing; we don't get to see fat people in magazines every day, or to be honest, hardly ever.

I was asked if I'm a man in a YouTube comment recently. I'd never gotten that comment before, it's usually the typical ones, like: ‘you're fat’, or ‘your boobs are saggy’. Although I was shocked, I wasn't completely surprised, because black women are called men all the time in the media, even more if they're muscular, fat or tall. It made me feel angry at first, but then I remembered that the person behind that comment was clearly the angry one. Not me. And anyway, fat isn't an insult, it's a description, and saggy breasts are normal.

Trolls or no trolls, I've come to a place of acceptance with my body. I'm still gutted that I have to live with an incurable illness, but it no longer controls my life. I'm the boss. I walk around my house naked because it's freeing; I’ve fallen in love with the body parts that I never noticed before. It's incredible that even though I have a chronic illness, I'm still waking up every day and killing it. My relationship with my body has improved tremendously. Now I'm patient with it, I'm kind to it, and I love it unconditionally. It's got me this far, and that's all that matters.

If you haven’t reached that point of acceptance yet, don’t ever stop fighting for it, even on the days when you feel like you're at your limit. I promise that better days are coming, and you deserve to have them.

This article was originally featured in Issue 2 of Ash Magazine.

Lala was interviewed by Charlotte Ruth (@charberto)

Images by Kourtney Lohn, Make-up by House of Nabu.